January 2010

A month of change

January vanished while I wasn’t looking.  Not quite sure what happened there!
It has been something of a traumatic month.  Perhaps the biggest thing - January is a month that will always hold sad and powerful memories for us all. My thoughts were with everyone, even those who have rejected me. You will always be in our hearts.

One day I may explain the bigotry that has been going on at work, but not today.  I had always said that I would move on one way or another during 2010, but it is evident I need to be out as soon as possible.

An interesting comment was made to me: “if you had always been a woman, then you would never have got the job in the first place”.  I will not comment on the accuracy of that statement, but I will say that it made me think very carefully and to start asking questions about some things and that led me to a strong belief in feminism.

I cannot publish real details of what has been going on; lets just say that things are taking a legal twist.

My entire life I have been seeking something to inspire me to the depths of my soul and I believe I have found this.  Much of this is wrapped in feminism.  Concepts and beliefs about the equality of every single person.  The structure of society is complex, however, it is clear that issues exist around the hierarchical structure that exists.  A lateral structure to society is the main option that is offered, however, there needs to be a better understanding of all options.

I have decorated half of the house, and by the day, I clear more and more up, although now we are getting down to the getting rid of things stage – like the bags of male clothes that are stored.

For the first time in 5 years, the house is looking pretty good, although I still have a few things to do, like striping out the shower.

We had a problem with one of our daughters music teachers. Even though we have met her a number of times and our daughter talks about me, she has totally failed to read the school records, so knows nothing about our situation, apparently, and was not aware of my circumstances at all, so despite numerous requests via the school, she has continued to write to my former name with bills and then wonders why I refuse to pay them.

This is about the only problem I have had so far (other than work). That made me wonder why there are so many people who transition who talk about how they are rejected by natal women.  That has not been my experience.  But I do not go around making a thing of it.  I see myself as a woman, I behave like other (lesbian feminist) women of my age.  I wear the same kind of work clothes as they do, in general, I just try to blend in.

Whether or not people know of my past is irrelevant – it is who I am that matters.  One thing that is clear is that I have a much stronger sense of the lack of equality and the discrimination than many women.  Just one example is when you try to buy spares for a car – women are not taken seriously even when they are knowledgeable whereas a man is taken seriously by default, even when he does not have the slightest idea.

Medically, I am now 10 months post-op and recovery could not have been better.  In fact, it has been spectacular.  I have a tiny amount of granulation.  I have dropped dilation to twice per week.

The one thing that surprises me is that since dropping to twice per week, I have started to hurt more when I dilate.  I suspect it is the latter stages of healing that mean nerves are starting to react properly again.  But getting to depth takes just a couple of minutes and dilation is straightforward.  I do not douche regularly and everything stays nice and clean and has a smell incredibly similar to my wife – no doubt influenced by similar diets.

Lubrication has got silly.  In fact, most of the time I struggle to keep the little bit of granulation clean and dry.  I guess that is exactly how I want things to be.  Everything working just as it should. 

If I want to be really critical, then there are a couple of cosmetic changes I could make – slight improvement on my labia minors – a little thinner.  The only bits that are not as perfect as I would like are entirely the fault of my own body and those issues would have given me an unacceptable result in the UK, so I will not complain.

Perhaps I should consider a trip at the end of the year to see Dr Suporn and see if he can do anything – perhaps take the summer out there?