Children – where do I start?

Perhaps the easiest thing is not to have them in the first place, but I am starting this from the perspective of having children and needing to explain things to them.  Don’t get me wrong; I love children, and I would dearly have loved to have given birth to them, but that cannot be.  I have 3 children altogether.

I think there are probably three general starting points:

• You and your partner have already separated
• You and your partner are together at the moment, but will separate as part of the transition process
• You and your partner are still together and intend to remain together.

The main thing to remember through all of this is that it is the children that matter.  The transitioning partner will already have decided on their own future and their mind will probably be somewhat settled on the transition path, the non-transitioning partner may still be in turmoil from having found out, or may be at a much more advanced stage of acceptance.  Irrespective of your own position, this is for the children.
It is often said of SRS that you only get one chance to get it right (mainly because the donor material is used up in that process): with telling children, I believe that you only get the one chance to get it right.  You may be able to make some corrections later on, but in reality it is a one chance opportunity.

Below I have written about my actual experience of telling my own children and after that are some of my views about how to go about telling the children.

Telling my 6 year old daughter

My daughter is much older now, but I first told her when she was 6.  She was the first of my children that I told, simply because she lives with us.

Perhaps she was a little prepared because I had worn skirts indoors for nearly all of her life.

My wife and I talked to her, but I lead the discussion, after all, it is all about me!

We raised the point of the clothes I wore.  We then talked about the differences between men and women taking that opportunity to gauge what she already knew.  This was not a talk about genitals but about the external appearance and feelings roles etc.  I was amazed at what she already knew.

I used some information I found on the GIRES web site.  She read the story and said that she understood.  We followed this with explanations that I would slowly start to appear more like a woman.  My body would show some changes and my clothes would be different.

She did not have very much to say at first, but then the questions started.  Many of the questions went straight to my wife at first.
The biggest problem was her fear that my wife and I would separate. 

Explaining her logic may help here.

As we would be two women, we could no longer be married as a marriage has to be a man and a woman.  If we could no longer be married, then we would no longer be allowed to live together.  We would no longer be a family.

This was a difficult moment as we had not got to the point of certainty about the future of our relationship so how could we reassure her?  Perhaps we should have been more aware that this would arise and planned accordingly.  My wife had said we did not intend to separate.  We then took the time to understand the exact problem and when she explained, it was possible to explain to her.  We agreed that we had no plans to separate and that we would do everything we could to make things work, but that if we did, then we had a large enough house and we could not afford to live separately so we would all continue to live in the house together.  As we have become more assured of the future of our marriage, so we have included her in those discussions and she has now come to terms with what the future holds.

Another fear she expressed is about surgery: she was scared that something would happen to me on the operating table.

My research shows that the number of serious complications are very small and I could only find a couple of directly related deaths and these appear to be related to DVT before the real risk was articulated.  We have gone to great lengths to explain to her that this is the case and that while I will not be able to do a lot of things for a while, to help the healing.

Her age means there are many things we did not tell her.  There were also many questions she has asked that were beyond our ability to answer at the moment as it would mean explaining too many other things.  So I wrote down answers to many of her questions, along with a great deal more and posted it onto a website.  I have kept copies of all of this and there are more documents elsewhere that will answer even more of her questions.

She is not allowed on the website yet and, at the moment, she has respected that.  I have explained that the information is too complicated because of her age, but that I am writing it, at least in part, to help her.

She asked some difficult questions –

• How do you convert a penis to a vagina as once sticks out and the other doesn’t. ?
• In a pre-op state about what you do with it so it doesn’t show?
• What makes your bosom grow?
• What are all those tablets and what do they do?

All of them took a little thinking about to get the right answer to give her, and nearly all were asked when we were in a hurry to do something else.  But every time, either me or my wife found time to explain things to her.

She took her time and became used to it.  She then realised that she has two women as parents and that brought a whole new set of problems.  We found she had talked to her school friends about their parents and their relationships and their home life.

She had to work out in her own mind that she was happy with our new life: all we could do was support her, make sure there are other people she can talk to and show her that me and my wife are far happier now than we were.

MY ADVICE AS TO HOW TO TELL YOUR CHILDREN

Take no chances that they will know until you are ready to tell them

Before you have told them, be careful.  You need the opportunity to tell them in your own words and in your own time.  I have known various ways that the “news” has spread – other people seeing you out and about dressed, documents not locked away, files saved on computers (remember, when you delete files they are still on the hard drive, websites are recorded in the browser history, some sites are cached to the computer, email accounts are fairly easily accessible), people coming in on you when you are “dressed”, gossip (neighbours etc). 

You can never be sure who knows once you start to “dress” or seek information.

If they discover by accident, you may find that you add a multitude of other issues to their list of fears.

Plan your discussions

If you can do this with your partner it will be much better: a united front works better.  Try to do it face to face.  I have found that other methods really do not work.

It is unlikely that your children will know what this is about.  They will be worried just because you want to talk to them.  They will not be in a position to help you, so you need to be prepared.

You cannot possibly anticipate all the questions that will start racing around in their mind, but you can try to anticipate some of the questions by a little research.

First of all, reassure them.  Make them understand that they have done nothing wrong, everyone is healthy and that you need to tell them something about you.

Be prepared

By this I mean, prepare what you want to say, get any supporting information you can and have it to hand and make sure the setting is suitable and comfortable for you all.  Above all, make sure that you will not be disturbed by switching off telephones and doorbells.

Take your time

Arrange to talk to them at a time that you all have as much time as you can possibly need without any interruptions.

Then give them time to absorb the information.  Possibly even agree a time to talk again, otherwise be prepared to answer any questions that may suddenly arise and, if necessary, agree to put aside more time exclusively for them

Listen

Don’t think you have to talk all the time.  You do not know what they are thinking.  Listen to them.  Don’t anticipate what they are going to say or ask.  You can and should ask them questions (open questions) to get them talking to you.

But above all, listen to what they are saying.  Listen to their concerns. 

Listen to their fears.

Honesty

Don’t lie to them.  That just insults them and shows no respect.
They will almost certainly get it wrong and stumble with words.  But try to understand their questions and answer with honesty.  If you feel that the particular question is beyond your ability to explain then tell them that.  If you don’t think they are old enough to know, then tell them that because of their age, it would be too difficult for them to understand, as there are too many other things they have to learn yet.  Tell them that when they are old enough you will answer that question honestly and completely and remember to do it!  They may not like it, but should respect your honesty.  If you do not tell them the truth, then one day they may find out and where will that leave you?  If you can find a simplistic way of answering their questions then go back to them and tell them as soon as you can.

Treat them as adults

This can be difficult, but if you talk to them with respect, listen to their views and answer their questions honestly then you are likely to better received than if you talk down to them.  You must start by assuming that they are not going to be happy with what you have to tell them.
Also, do not underestimate what they already know.  Playground talk may be inaccurate, but it happens and children do know a lot.  My daughter asked about how you convert a penis to a vagina as once sticks out and the other doesn’t.  And in a pre-op state about what you do with it so it doesn’t show.

But if you cannot answer their questions, then don't fob them off: tell them honestly that you cannot answer their question at the moment and tell them when you will. We told our daughter that she was just too young to understand the complexities of the answers to some of her questions, but that we will answer them when she is older.

Try to make things normal

As if things can ever be “normal”.  What I am really saying is that you should try to do things exactly the same as you did in the past.  Try to create a feeling of stability.

Things will change, that is an absolute certainty.  You have destroyed the relationship that existed between you and the children.  You now need to build new relationships with them.  Keeping as much the same as you possibly can should make this easier.  It will not solve the problem.

Women can play rough and tumble, or play football just as well as any man. Your relationship will be different, but you can still do the same things together as parent and child.

The main thing is that you must remember that it takes time and it takes effort: you will have almost certainly had many years of coming to terms with this, but it is likely to be a complete shock to your children.