There are fundamental differences between men and women … or are there?

3 Comments
feminism

Clearly, there are physical differences that we tend to assume differentiates between men and women.  These are those associated with genitals in the main.

But before we can consider if there are differences between men and women, we need to consider what we mean by a man or a woman.  The starting point, once again, tends to be genitals.  When a baby is born, a doctor/midwife looks at the genitals and usually declares it to be a boy or girl.  There are occasions when the genitals are ambiguous and it is at that point that more checking is done.  It is rare for anyone to consider that someone with an obvious penis is anything other than a male and without a penis is a female.

But how big does the penis need to be before it is a penis and not an extended clitoris?  Or how small before it is classified as a clitoris?

Of course, schools still teach that X-X is female and X-Y is male from a chromosome perspective.  But many people have mosaicism or other variances.

Then there are many other research projects happening that seem to suggest that it is not very clear cut exactly what the differences between male and female are.

So we can have sex based on genitals – but that will exclude some people

Sex based on chromosomes – but that will exclude some people

Sex based on reproductive capability – but that will exclude many

So how do we define male or female?  Perhaps we should look to a lot of research that has been going on which has shown that hormonal issues in the womb can cause a difference from the apparent physical sex (as defined by genital considerations) and the brain sex.  This is work such as the following:

  • Sexual differentiation of the human brain in relation to gender identity and sexual orientation Swaab, Dick F; Garcia-Falgueras, Alicia Published in Functional Neurology Jan – Mar 2009
  • http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_7 … n32334584/
  • Sexual differentiation of the human brain: relevance for gender identity, transsexualism and sexual orientation. Swaab Gynecol Endocrinol (2004) 19:301–312. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15724806
  • Clinical implications of the organizational and activational effects of hormones. M.Diamond, Horm Behav. 2009 May;55(5):621-32 BTW.

So I am struggling to define a man or a woman.  Or perhaps more to the point, I am asking what the point in defining man or woman is?

Why do we need to define man or woman?  Why do we need to separate the human race into two distinct groups?  I struggle with that, but when I look through history, there has always been separation of man and woman.   Two distinct groups, with two different societal expectations.

A starting point then is to ask why we separate men and women and is that correct…

14 Years of waiting – yes 14 years!

No Comments
Civil Partnership

Actually it was over a year ago that Christine proposed to me.  Oh, to be married to her.  That is really important to me.  After 14 years though, it is a strange thought.  Being married.  Something denied to two women just a few short years ago.  I never thought that I would want to do this.

Not quite down on one knee, but certainly close.  She was nervous as she came in.  Unsure how to approach it, but straightforward is sometimes the best “Will you marry me?”  It was said and that was it.  Tears welled up in my eyes.  There could be only one answer.  She already knew what my answer would be.  And so it was.  She asked me to marry her and I accepted.

Yes Married; that is the correct term as far as I am concerned, and not “formed a Civil Partnership”.  It is a lifetime partnership between two people who are in love with each other, which is more than I have seen in many heterosexual marriages.  We already have a daughter and have been a family for many years.  This will just formalise our family in a legal sense.  Our daughter – we are the only parents she has ever known, and us as a couple – a couple that have never been tempted away from each other, total loyalty and faithfulness.

I am in love with my future wife.  Very much in love.  That does not make it easy.  In fact, it can be really quite difficult.  Living with any other person is difficult.  It involves compromises.  It involves communication and it involves working together.  It is no different to any other kind of marriage or relationship or partnership.  People change.  That is a fact.  When you work together, those changes are in the same direction, but when you do not, the changes can destroy what you had.  Normally the changes are slow and steady so that you do not notice them.  Occasionally they are much bigger.  Recently we had some issues with our families that meant a radical change.  That is a ‘coming out’ issue which I may write about elsewhere.  Suffice to say, it caused a rapid change that put 14 years of relationship at risk.

At risk because of heterosexual views, arguments and opinions.  “Some of my best friends are heterosexual” is very true, but it does not alter the fact that they do not all fully grasp the importance and power of pure love, pure lesbian love.

We have decided to take the legal step of Civil Partnership, despite our objection to the discrimination it automatically causes, because we want the legal protections for our family, such as:

  • Joint treatment for income-related benefits
  • Joint state pension benefits
  • Inheritance and Capital gains tax exemptions and allowances
  • Ability to gain parental responsibility for each other’s children
  • Recognition for immigration purposes
  • Exemption from testifying against each other in court
  • Right to register the death of a partner
  • Right to claim a survivor pension
  • Eligibility for bereavement benefits
  • Compensation for fatal accidents or criminal injuries
  • Recognition under inheritance and intestacy rules
  • Tenancy succession rights

I guess mortality has taken me to a point where I know I have to provide for the others in my family.  This will also restrict challenge to the disposition of my assets on my death.  After all, there are some evil people out there that will seek to grab whatever they can.

We will have a Civil Partnership, or more to the point, we will get married.  But even though we will have something equivalent to marriage, it will never be the same as marriage.  There are differences and differences do not equal equality.  A Government claiming to support equality that would treat us differently.  That is not equality.  There are a number of very real differences in the legislation that mean they are not equal (for example, Pension rights, religious content, ceremony venues, method of creation and a number of other items) but it is not these legal differences so much as the social differences that it causes.  Most people I have discussed it with talk about Civil Partnerships as if they are the same as Marriages, but generally they refer to “Gay Marriage”.

Now do not get me wrong, I am proud to be lesbian, but why do I have to proclaim it by having a “Gay Marriage” and not just a Marriage?

I guess the trouble is that the world is ruled by heterosexuals and they claim a right to decide things based on their view of the world.  They are entitled to their views, but they do need to think about other people’s views as well.  We are just as equal and just as worthy.

But it is more important now that as a family we are protected.  Important that we have rights and are protected if anything goes wrong.

What is wrong with being a lesbian?

No Comments
Women who love women

A lesbian is “a woman who is sexually attracted to other women” Cambridge Dictionaries Online – Cambridge University Press (4 September 2009) http://dictionary.cambridge.org/define.asp?key=45589&dict=CALD

If there is anything wrong with being a lesbian, then it must either be about other women or about sexual attraction.  No one seems to complain about people being sexually attracted to someone of the opposite sex.  But do we really understand what we mean by the opposite sex?

The moment you mention male and female, the things that comes to the mind of a lot of people are genitals, after all, that is how you define gender isn’t it?  Well no actually.  Genitals may define sex, but only may.  There are occasions when genitalia are not perfectly male or female.  So why are genitals so important?  Because, male fits into female and babies are created.  So the need to differentiate between male and female is for the purpose of procreation.  After all, a bloke wouldn’t want to accidently fall for another bloke would they?  After all, that wouldn’t lead to procreation.  Is the need for clear male and female then driven by sexual attraction?  If so, then every single time that someone has sex, they should be attempting to procreate.  But they don’t.  Even Catholics, banned from contraception, are allowed natural family planning (NFP) in certain circumstances – ‘Pope Paul VI makes it clear that the first question to ask is “Do we have grave reasons for avoiding a pregnancy at this time?” If the answer is “Yes”, then NFP and only NFP is a legitimate way to avoid pregnancy.’ http://www.catholic-pages.com/morality/contraception.asp .  If this is allowed, even in restricted circumstances, then what is the purpose of sex?  The only reason why it would be done if not for procreation must be for enjoyment of at least one of the parties.  If it is for enjoyment, then why is the male/female position necessary?  Why cannot sexual enjoyment be between same sex people, or even by yourself?

And, of course, if it is not for procreation, why the need to identify a separation between male and female – just enjoy the experience with whoever you are attracted to.

So male and female is not so very important.

But let’s try a little definition.  How do we define a woman?

A woman can have children

Not necessarily.  There are many infertile women, hence the need for a fertility service in the NHS.

A woman has female genitalia

Not necessarily.  The techniques used to model a vulva for a trans woman was not developed for trans women.  There are a lot of surgeries (and more now for cosmetic reasons) on natal women to correct problems with their vulva.  And don’t start on wombs, as there are quite a few without wombs.  The only ever womb transplant happened in 2000 in Saudi Arabia, and at the moment, clinics are racing to be the first to have a successful transplant leading to a pregnancy – and the women they are screening are not trans women! http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/doctors-screen-women-for-first-womb-transplant-432602.html

There are women who do not have a vaginal canal, there are women who do not have periods.

Women have breasts

Just walk along a beach in hot weather and you can answer that yourself.

So we have eliminated the ‘be able to give birth’ aspects and what are we left with is about appearance.  I can assure you that the appearance of most trans women’s vulvas is extremely similar to those of natal women.  Breasts are just an impact of hormones and there are many women with a deficiency of hormones, or excess male hormones.

So we have to move to genetics.  We are taught early on that XX chromosomes makes a female and XY makes a male.  But then why have they now realised XXY and so on.  These may be classified as intersex conditions.  As research moves on, they are discovering more and more variations.  All of a sudden, it seems to be a touch difficult to define a woman.  If it is a touch difficult to define a woman, then how do you define a man?

Defining male and female is difficult.  Sexual attraction and sex is accepted, even by the Catholic Church, as being allowed for recreation.  So we cannot necessarily define the opposite sex, and even if we can, then it is not really important and sex is acceptable even when not for procreation.  So sex between anyone should be acceptable and sexual attraction between two women is perfectly normal.

Equal but different

No Comments
Civil Partnership

We were promised equality, but that is not what we have got.  What we got was equality with differences.  There are a number of things where we are equal but different and one of those is an area dear to my heart – marriage.

We cannot be married.  That is what the law says.  They acknowledge the right of gay couples through Civil Partnerships.  These are “to all intents and purposes” the same as marriage.

Well, with one admitted exception – you cannot have a Civil Partnership in a church.  But then there are some Churches that would welcome gay couples to form their relationships in the sight of God and there are many of us that do have a strong religious belief and would like to get married in a church, but we are banned.

We have been together for over 14 years and have a well adjusted and highly popular 9 year old who goes to a very good school – clearly we are not suitable to be parents! And cannot compete with the man/woman relationships of our daughters friends.  Relationships, according to the playground gossip, which involve argument and disagreement more than love and family values.

Recently, I have had reason to look in a little more detail at marriage and Civil Partnership and the supposed equality that exists.  There are issues with attribute Pensions after all, there is a limit to 1988 of how far back attributed state pension contributions can be claimed against your partners contributions – a limit that does not apply to married couples.  Stonewall are attempting to change this at the current time.

But there is no doubt that many of the benefits of marriage do exist.  But I have become quite confused.

A married couple, one of whom transitions, are required to end their marriages before the transsexual partner is allowed to obtain a Gender Recognition Certificate under the Gender recognition Act 2004.  This seems to be a crazy state of affairs.  But there is one element of logic behind it – if two women can only enter a Civil Partnership, then why should two women be able to be married because of taking a different route?  If we accept that lesbian women and gay men can only have Civil Partnerships and that marriage is reserved for opposite sex couples, then this does seem logical.  But why can their marriage not just be converted to a Civil Partnership?  Why do they have to go through an annulment of their marriage followed by a Civil Partnership?  This means there is a period of time (possibly only hours) where they are no longer protected if something happens to one of them.

Why is this relevant?  It is relevant because of a little fact that the Ministry of Justice have stated that automatic conversion of a Marriage to a Civil Partnership (or vice versa) cannot happen because they are too different from each other.

If they are too different from each other, then how can they be seen as being equal?  Perhaps that is a question that we should be asking.  Why are they so different?  Why can they not be completely equal?  Why does there need to be any difference at all.

It is time to take control of marriage away from religious bigots and return it to the people.  Make ALL marriages civil ceremonies (as happens in highly religious contrives like Spain) and then it is no longer a problem.  Civil ceremonies for everyone, and religious people can have their Church bless their relationship.

But equality is never equality when it creates differences.

Acceptance

1 Comment
Acceptance

No matter how long you wait, there always comes a point when someone rejects you because of the woman you love.  Just recently we have had a few issues.  One came because of the death of my son some 3 1/2 years ago.  My eldest daughter has caused such a fuss that I am denied a right to be at the inquest.  And why? Because I am a woman in love with a woman.

Yes, I could just go.  But would the fight make it worthwhile?  I think not.  I would rather respect my son from a distance.  At a time that the person responsible for his death should be the focus of attention, I have no intention of becoming that focus myself.  Acceptance is all we ask.

Then my partner receives news that her father is about to die.  He is laying in hospital waiting to die.  His body is slowly shutting down.  A time for families to pull together, but not her family.  She has been trying to find out for over 24 hours what is going on, but no one thought to call her.  Then she was attacked for not being at the hospital – a mere 2 hour drive away.  So we will go tomorrow.  “But not our daughter – that would not be good for her” my partner’s brother says.  So we need to sort someone ot look after her.  Not a problem – my parents are half way there and I am sure they will go out of their way to look after our daughter.  But that is not good enough – they do not want me to be there.  Why?  I am there to support my partner – this wonderful woman that I am engaged to.  But no.  I am not allowed to be there to support her, to help her through.  Acceptance is all we ask.

But what is acceptance?  Acceptance is not approval.  I ask only two people to approve our relationship – my partner and me.  Acceptance is just allowing us to lead our lives in peace and treating us as any other couple.

I always ask one question – if we were man and wife would you treat us in the same way?

Welcome!

1 Comment
Welcome

Welcome to my blog.  I have set it up to allow discussion about issues relating to living life as a woman.  I am a woman in love with a woman and that is presenting huge challenges.  We have a daughter – our daughter, but that is another set of challenges.

Why does the world not just allow us to lead our lives?

I want to discuss all issues related to relationships, families and children in these unusual family circumstances.

Being a woman in love with a woman is just wonderful, but there are times when it hurts.